If you ever meet my mother, I can guarantee that within the first five minutes she will ask you about your job. “What do you do?” “Where do you work?” “How long have you done that?” But I hear these questions less often among my generational peers. Lately, I’ve found myself waffling during introductions and wondering - is it o.k. to ask someone that you’ve just met what they do for work?
Some argue that the question is lazy. It’s what you ask when you can’t think of a more insightful or personal inquiry. It can also be intrusive. To lead with the question assumes that the person holds a traditional job or is comfortable discussing their work with a new acquaintance.
Worse, some accuse the question of being classicist. It can be a guise to suss out someone’s economic status or education level. From a person’s job title, we can deduce a lot of things, true or not.
I get it. But when the average American spends 30% of their time working, wouldn’t they want to talk about it? It seems like such a natural topic of conversation. Learning what someone does every day can feel like a precursor to getting to know them. Even though I hesitate to pose the question, I still experience a nagging curiosity when it goes unanswered. I find myself asking mutual friends or checking social media to solve the mystery.
But I recognize that not everyone shares my relationship to work. Not everyone considers their job a major component of their identity. For many, jobs are a way to pay bills. It’s during free time that meaningful work is done.
It’s possible that attitudes towards asking about work during the course of introductions are a symptom of a greater cultural shift. Americans aren’t staying in jobs as long, with younger workers showing a willingness to hop between employers or roles to secure better conditions, higher wages, or more prestige. Concurrently, more Americans are embracing the attitude that a job is a means to an end, rather than a vocation.
Ultimately, whether to pose the question should be determined on a case-by-case basis (as illustrated in the table below). In general, it depends on the setting. For example, it would be o.k. at an industry event, like a conference or a work-sponsored holiday party. But asking is riskier at a friend’s BBQ or among other parents at a child’s school’s open house.
It also depends on the flow of the conversation. If someone opens the door to the topic, either by asking you what your job is or alluding to their job, the question is fair game.
When in doubt, ask yourself what your goal is in asking someone’s job and consider whether there is another question that better achieves that goal. For example, ask “what activities are you into?”, “how do you feel about living in this city?”, or “how do you know [insert mutual acquiatance’s name]?”
If you do venture into the work topic, just be aware that you may not receive a receptive response. Understand that the response is probably not coming from a place of malice. Try not to get defensive. “Kindness is the heart of polite conversation,” said etiquette expert Jan Goss.
We’re all navigating the modern age in our own ways. And sometimes the key to getting to know someone is to approach the unfamiliar with empathy.
| When it’s safe to ask | When it’s riskier to ask |
|---|---|
| When the question stems from genuine curiosity about how they spend the majority of their time, their areas of knowledge/interest/experience, or commonalities | When the question is driven by a desire to probe personal information, like economic status, education level, immigration status, disability, or employment status |
| When the other person brings it up first or you have reason to believe that it is a welcome topic | When you have reason to believe that it’s a sensitive topic |
| At work or industry events | At events that are not job-oriented |
| You’ve known the person for a while | You just met the person |
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