Recently, I was chatting with a friend when she referred to herself as “ugly”. I was taken aback. She may not be classically beautiful, but she is not ugly. At least, I don’t think she is. And the romantic interest she gets from others tends to confirm my opinion.
This got me thinking about the consequences of being ugly (or at least non-pretty).
“Pretty privilege” is a term that refers to the notion that people who are attractive are treated better.
But there are so many women who achieve greatness despite not being traditionally beautiful. Shirley Jackson, Angela Merkel, and Barbara Striesand are just some examples that come to mind. Their successes suggest there are limits to pretty privilege.
It makes sense that other characteristics - technical proficiency, social skills, determination, ethics, etc. - can compensate for or outweigh the physical.
In fact, conventional beauty can have drawbacks. Attractive people are often seen as undeserving, threatening, or distracting.
And in the end, beauty is subjective. Sure, each era has its own standards of beauty. But how we perceive others is very personal. A person may have nice facial features, but may remind us of a mean former classmate. Given the choice between two people - one slightly more attractive than the other - we may choose the less attractive candidate because they have our preferred hair color or eye shape. We may have a “thing” for dimples, to which we assign a premium.
All that to say, aspiring to be conventionally pretty is a waste.
But one thing that many successful people do have in common is that they look pulled-together. With the exception of a few disheveled folks who made it based on sheer acumen, having a curated appearance is key.
So what approach should women (and people in general) take when it comes to curating their appearances? I believe they should aim to cultivate an aesthetic that is interesting.
By interesting, I mean a conceived look - a style of dress, makeup, accessory, and/or hair - that uniquely suits a personality. It can be an ensemble that brings joy when passing your reflection. It can be clothing that is comfortable or enables movement. It can create an association in the minds of friends, such that they are reminded of you when they see certain pieces on the racks.
Examples of iconic looks include Stevie Nicks with her flowy garments and large hats, Cher and her penchant for sequins, Farrah Fawcett with her shag cut, and Diana Ross with her long spaced-out lashes.
Also, a look doesn’t have to be static. You can choose pieces that reflect your mood on a given day. Or a theme for the year.
And style is not beholden to time. Donatella Versace has sported the same stick-straight platinum hair since she was in her 20’s and is now in her 60’s. Others’ looks evolve as they progress on their lives’ journeys. Like Pam Grier who forwent her signature afro for longer locks.
By shifting the focus from socially-defined beauty to the interesting, we reclaim the power to define beauty and shirk the grips of patriarchal standards. We are powerless over the trends of the eras or how others engage with our appearances. But to adorn our bodies in a way that is personally gratifying is well within our control.
*Note: I want to acknowledge that body image and financial resources also play a role in how we perceive our physical selves. These factors are not always within our control.
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